Slippery Slope To Summer

Nu photo is named after one of my sayings and is entitled -


Slippery Slope To Summer

The Good , The Bad and the Moronic :)

I thought I’d do yet a few more awards today , and the first is -



The Non Sell Out - Award
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This one goes to the two people who engineered the Rage for the Xmas no 1 campaign on Facebook - who Simon Cowell has cynically , in my opinion -
offered jobs to in his organisation - only to be turned down flat :)



Still Missing the point – Award
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Simon Cowell – see above :)



The - “were only 10 years old - but know best” - Award
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An extra special award to the gaggle of kids , advising me - the best way up a snowy and very icy hill on my mountain bike – yesterday :)




( Still ) Moron of the Year- Award.
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This one goes out to our ex boss , who apparently turned up a whole day early to a Xmas party , and it was suggested by some that, the date on the invitation was somehow……………………

……..errrr…..” mixed up “………

………..tsk…… tsk……...how terrible is that ……… :)




Man of the Year – Award .
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This is a very late contender for this very prestigious award , but it must go to our very own motorcycling - Prince William - for spending a night out sleeping rough in minus four degrees temperatures to raise awareness to homelessness – good on yer mate :)

In the “Bleak “Midwinter…………

Sorry I couldn’t resist this post after seeing a news report about this subject –


I notice the South of England is in total gridlock after a “breathtaking” quarter of an inch ( 5mm) of snow has fallen , and like last year - people are abandoning their cars , not going to work , and there is talk about the end of the world in some
quarters :) .

I’ve got no doubt this very silly situation is further - whipped up by the reactionary media in the U.K. , and of course the “nanny state” metrological office and its silly “severe” weather warnings !!!.

Well I’ve thought of a solution to the “problem”

Deposit a few more inches of snow on our southern friends - let it freeze solid for a few days - then I’ll take all their cars off them - and instead they can all have a nice shiny mountain bike each – simple :)

Now - this may come as a bit of a shock to you in the south , but the rest of the country - just gets on with the bad weather ….its called …WINTER ….., and amazingly does not shut down after a minute amount of snow falls , or its windy , or heaven forbid ….raining and cold :) ., and I dread to think what would happen if there was a substantial fall of snow – national emergency – maybe :)

Surprisingly enough , and in reality , I’m not really willing bad weather upon
anyone , or asking you all to mountain bike to work every day in your shorts , I’m just merely asking you to put a little perspective on the situation, if that’s at all possible in today’s knee jerk society :)


Anyway - It’s the shortest day today , and what I
call …

……“the slippery slope to summer “……

Which I reckon is pretty apt , and what a summer its going to f**king well .be , what with Atsu visiting the U.K. yet again :) , and me going back off to Japan - pencilled in already :).

With all this going on - I think and I’m getting more and more in to the …

…..“seize the moment it will never come around again “

……..school of thought ………

….whether that be - mountain biking in the snow, tearing around on my Harley with Atsu on the back squealing like a teenager :), or snoozing in one of Richard Branson’s first class seats en route to Tokyo :).

Now - considering I wasn’t going to post anything else on here till after Xmas - I think I’d better shut up :) ……although there may be more tomorrow ………

End of the Year Review

Well it’s that time again , so I’ve decided to hand out a few awards to the remarkable set of groups and individuals , amongst you all.


“Battle Cry of the People” - Award - not sponsored by Simon Cowell


……il get da joe ….tmoro………

This surprisingly isn’t Latin , and translates to -

……. “I’ll get the Joe Mc Ellery single – tomorrow.” …………….

Which is unfortunately too late as the official chart count - ended midnight on Saturday :)


The award goes out to the “many” Joe Mc Ellery and X Factor fans out there .

Lucky winners out there , will receive a lifetimes supply of lessons in literacy ,
hoop earrings and of course - Burberry base ball caps……...minted …….. :)





The …’ thief of time - Award - sponsored by the global financial industry

The winners of this are - after several years of free holidaying at the taxpayers expense …. …………..I welcome…………..

……..all the political leaders - attending the various .climate conferences at an exotic venue - near you

……… take a bow ladies and gentlemen ……….we love you all …………..


Now with the above in mind , the winners will get a taxpayers sponsored holiday on The Cartaret Islands - scuba gear essential , as they are currently sinking due to increased sea levels , or alternatively – an exclusive - cruise on an iceberg with a starving polar bear – your choice :)



The “Killing in the Name Of….. “ - Award - sponsored by the N.W.O

There are several - high level candidates for this prestigious award - Gordon Brown , George Bush , Barak Obama , and of course - last but definitely least -
Tony Blair

Now after a full - several weeks of “soul searching deliberation” with my top advisors - of which there are various black and white photographs of - detailing my “anguish” in gritty monochrome …….

…………the winner is……………..Barak Obama …………………… .


The prize - well that’s a difficult one –

Maybe a fiddle to play while the world burns , or possibly a lifetime membership of the N.W.O , although I suspect he may have to do a “Michael Jackson” to gain admittance to that particular - little white , boys club. :)





Ok that’s the lot - I’m closed for the holidays now , except for something special on Christmas Day itself - which has become something on an institution for me ……… ………………but then again :)

Nostalgia

New Photograph is called

Nostalgia
------------------------------

Well Travelled ??? .

I will try and help anyone regardless of who they are , but it seems some people are totally beyond it :)

Take one day last week – Dave - one of our older members of staff was sat behind one of the computers looking at our Intramap System .

Intramap is basically a very detailed map of our area and nowhere else - in fact its like one of those old maps with “ here be ye monsters “ written on it beyond the district boundaries , and it looked like Dave was seemingly getting nowhere with it after half an hour.

He continued for a while longer and then said -

……“ this Goole Earth thing isn’t very good …… I can’t get out of the district .!!! “

Reading between the lines - Dave had obviously seen other staff using Google Earth and had mistaken Intramap for it , and it was only at this point I realised that::)
.
Now - surprisingly I can be fairly diplomatic , and yes I do know older people and technology sometimes do not mix - complaints to the usual address – please:) , so I just walked over and installed Google Earth for him , and he’s now happily cruising the Caribbean instead of the back streets around the local docks :)

Rage Against...............

Well 20 million people can’t be wrong ……..can they :)

I’m surprisingly not talking about climate conferences here , as I’ve got my old mate Arnie to sort that one out - I suggested he just crash through the doors on his Harley ……..say ……..”fix it” ……then just ride off ………..sorted :)

No - I’m talking about the U.K.”talent” show - X Factor which is ran by an egotistical dwarf who allegedly wears his trousers round his nipples – take a bow Simon Cowell :)

The winner of which said show , now stands to be the Xmas no 1 in the singles chart.

Well not if rebel rousers - Rage Against The Machine have anything to do with it :)

They have re released - Killing in the Name Of , which a radio One D.J. famously played in its unedited finery – once , and I can just imagine the public in the U.K. repainting their walls a fetching tea colour as those lyrics blasted through their living rooms .

The Rage campaign which poor Simon is complaining about already , was started by a Facebook group , who are getting people to buy the track from I Tunes , and I personally think a mere 70 pence to stick two fingers up at dear Simon is money definitely well spent .

1…2…3…4…5…

I’m just wondering here - have I got a five second attention span …???........

…continues later ……………………

….or is the television adaptation of sci fi novel - Flashforward…………

….continues later ……….:)

…just a rubbish soap opera …………

…continues….much ….much …..much….later …:)


Yes that’s right I’m disillusioned after only one and a quarter episodes !!!

…hmmmmm …..only 23 and three quarters left to go …….

…… or in my case…. NOT ……:)

I was also initially impressed with the new Stargate Universe (SGU) series , which was great until the third episode - when the crew including the jackbooted military started recording the… “were all going to die “ !!!!! ….....videos for posterity. !!!


You may have guessed by now - I’m not in to heavy relationships which have absolutely no bearing on the storyline in science fiction , develop characters - yes , but keep playing the same old “pass the bucket” – scene over and over – again , as in Flashforward , or in the case of SGU - have people behaving as if they are in a 1980’s soft focus - soap opera , instead of hurtling through the galaxy – no.

I personally like sci’ fi’ to challenge my own intellect and perceptions, which is purely escapism from my point of view , but you can go too far , and have storylines which disappear up their own self importance .

I’m thinking Donnie Darko and its ilk - here , as I’ve had this particular story explained to me several times and I still haven’t got a clue - although this is probably just me - as I also tried to understand the concepts of time travel once , and got lost after the first paragraph :)


I reckon that if you are going to make anything in this type of style , you must make the storyline out of this world but not too convoluted , as that’s what its all about - fantastic worlds , scenarios and creatures - which challenge your own intellect , and no you needn’t have flesh shredders like in Alien or Predator - just different - will do .


My favourite sci’ fi’ author - Arthur C Clarke , who was also an eminent scientist - theorised that the majority of planets in the universe are not earth like so its inhabitants will certainly not be humanoid , and you can’t get much odder than a black stone obelisk – can you :)

Have a Drink on Me

I’ve probably mentioned this before -

There’s a guy who has been temporarily seconded to our work place , who has been very uncharitably nicknamed The Tramp – and not by me I hasten to add - but in all fairness he really does live up to his name .

Now - he has a nasty habit of using peoples things - without even asking , and today he was sat drinking out of Keith’s mug , which is probably like using Howard Hughes hanky - before him :).

So we thought about telling Keith , but Dave had got a sneaky photograph of the incident - so an evil plot - then formed .

We put the photograph up on the wall , and added a sticker to Keith’s mug saying –

…………..”Property of The Tramp – Keep Off “………………

.We just sat and acted normally , until a little while later when Keith was drinking his tea , and about half way through his cup , we then attracted his attention to the sticker and then the photograph ……………….…

…………………………….. Keith just screamed ………………

……………W H A T .. ! ! ! ! ! ! ……………

…………….giving the wall an instant - tea coloured make over ……………….

…..a load of very , very naughty swearwords followed , as the poor cup was summarily executed by the tried and tested - bounce off the wall - method .

Keith was last seen running off down the office shouting –

………………. “ where’s that dirty so and so - at !!! “……..

Light Bulb Head

I’m always interested in the exact point at which something happens for example - an
Eureka “ light bulb “ moment - on one hand , or maybe- the point at which an honest man gives up.

It is in all of our nature is to be influenced - especially if your own thoughts go against the grain of those around you , or more so - against acknowledged wisdom of the world

Throughout history - certain individuals have gone against the grain and have made wonderful break through’s , which consequently has totally and utterly benefited mankind .

The downside of this is they usually - having to bear the scorn of their more conventional colleagues around them for many , many , years ., but these people have been tenacious enough to weather the storm , and eventually triumph to all of our benefit .


I do understand that these pressure does get higher the more important and high profile your position becomes , and I’m thinking of “my old mate” - Barak Obama – here.

Who surprisingly - spent the majority of his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech justifying war !!! , and even went as far as comparing The Second World War ( WW2 ) to Afghanistan and Iraq !!! .

The irony of the war and peace aspect aside , as I’ve talked about this many times before :) .

The WW2 comparison may have cut some ice with the under informed , but you simply just have to check the history books as regards “aggressive war “ , and if you are going to compare these two , we’d be the bad guys - as we invaded Afghanistan and Iraq - and it was us who are waging an aggressive war, and please don’t insult anyone’s intelligence by using the so called - “war “ on terrorism to justify it either., as the main perpetrators of 9/11 were Saudi Arabian nationals.

I’m actually - taken aback - that an apparently - intelligent and informed person like Obama – could come out with this type of rhetoric , but on further thought - I can’t help but think that this speech is something George Bush would have said , or more correctly - been told to have said……………

No further comment necessary !!!

Red Braces – Free Zone

Rather than just complain about the recession – I’ve actually got a simple answer
to it –

My lines of thinking are –

The banks that the British taxpayers bailed out , are now of course happily making enough money again to pay their staff huge bonuses again - if the press are to be believed.

So if that’s the case - why don’t the banks bail the country out of recession - seem’s only fair to me :)

Yes I am aware its not as simple as that , as for example – the current financial systems has governments borrowing from banks - hence the national debt , but I do suspect that this borrowing probably attracts huge interest rates , and I just wonder if the bank bail out exercise had the same rates , or was it just a straight loan , I suspect the latter .

So it seems to me the taxpayers seems to lose out in both of these transactions .

Changing to a global perspective –

What these banks must remember - when they start spouting their own self importance , that they would simply not exist if it wasn’t for taxpayers around the world .

Just remember it was their actions that tripped off this awful recession in the first place , so complaining about a lack of bonuses cuts no ice with me , considering the amount of human misery - their actions have caused and indeed , are still causing .

So get you hands in your pockets – boys :)




Two Statements and an Argument .
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This title actually reads like a British comedy film , but like real life as opposed to fiction – you simply couldn’t write it :)


This as you all know is the sum total of day three of the Climate Conference , and the world stopping statements are –


“emissions cause climate change ” and “we need to use sustainable sources of energy”


So - tell us something we ALL haven’t actually been aware of , probably since the 1960’s , and of course - the arguing has now started amid the petulant little children .……….. happily fiddling as Rome burns …….!!!


There is of course a glaringly simple solution to this one too – remove all of those with vested interests from the conference table , and place true representatives of the world in their places , and while I’m at it …make them all young people too :) …....

…………………….not too much to ask – is it :)

The Queen’s Hound’s

Now for you who don’t know our current queen is a dog lover , and her favourite breed is of course - the Corgi.

What you may not know - Corgi is also the name of an organisation in the U.K. which trains and certifies firms , who install and service gas appliances i.e. fire’s , cookers , heaters …etc… etc…etc …

This is because the law in the U.K. states that any work carried out concerning gas has to be done by a Corgi registered firm , and this aside - common sense says - improper installation , can of course cause a fire or even an explosion .

Fat Al - one of my work colleagues was in the toolbox today , looking for the biggest spanner I had , as he was doing some DIY at home and this was installing a ….
……..and yes you guessed it… gas fire ……!!!........

Now - I could list the equipment Fat Al has broken at work over the past few years , but I’d be on for ages - so instead I’ll tell you about his latest D.I.Y exploits instead -

Which consisted of him literally ripping a radiator off the wall at his house , but he forgot to turn the water off in the pipe , and ended up with several gallons of water on the floor , and then in another incident – he drilled through yet another floor in to the asbestos cladding below , and as if that wasn’t bad enough - straight through a gas pipe !!! .

Anyway - back to the present , and Fat Al - then went on to say –

…“ he wanted the spanner to get at a nut on the fire , which was in a very inaccessible place “ ….

So I said –

…“ the nut was probably reachable with the spark proof - special tool a
Corgi approved - gas fitter had in his extensive tool kit “…

……..and was just met with a strange- blank look ……..

Then again …
FatAl probably saw the Queen’s dogs on television - once ……

……….so that’s ok :)




No News is Good News ???
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Oh yeah - did I forget to say - I’ve now gone all international on you all - so here’s my Danish correspondent - with all the “exciting” news from Copenhagen……..


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Sorry couldn’t resist – yet again :)

A Tale of Two Kettles

You can forget your “Cities” and all that other French Revolutionary stuff :)

Kettles are the way forward -

What with their serious in built - mood lighting - that changes as the kettle boils from cool blue to burning red , hordes of multi function buttons , boil faster stripes , and of course - their lustrous chrome plated hides - that glint seductively in the sunlight :).

I have to say - the “good old “ tin plated - whistling kettle seems a bit like a stone age implement in comparison to these sleek - modern – beauties :)

Yes you guessed it my kettle has broken , and if by , some twist of fate so has Evil
Don’s !!!

Thus - both of us were on a quest to get a new one at the weekend., but we both came back with two completely different items. , which is not surprising considering the myriad of kettles you can choose from today , .but to be honest this was mainly because - my brief was totally different to Don’s - my kettle was replacing my work one and his was for home use .

So whilst he was being seduced by the hi tec , I was stumbling over the low brow , and guess what - the first thing I stumbled across in Neanderthal Joe’s Kitchen Supplies and Spears :) ……. was ……….and yes you guessed it ……..a good old
tin plated whistling one - which was summarily rejected - as I don’t have a camp fire in my cave………… …errr…………sorry…………office…………. :)

I settled for a £4.99 jug kettle in the end , and sacrificed taking some of my tasty Tyrannosaurus Rex sandwiches to work on Monday , as it would not all fit in to my bag - then Don turned up - and the topic of the day was of course – kettles :)

If you have indeed got this far , I reckon your sick of this , so to cut a long story
short - he did buy an expensive kettle with a lazer light show and a myriad of other functions , but it took him well over half an hour to work out how to open the
lid ……… never mind use it ……….!!!


Technology huh ………….don’t you just ……L U R V E …… it :)






…….to be seen’……….
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The many thousands of politicians who are currently attending , the month long Christmas Shopping Holiday in Copenhagen ………sorry…………sorry…………
…errrr…….……..Climate Change Conference. …….. on your behalf :)

Must on balance - be very , very clever people - regardless of what I think , as they have already decided - all by themselves , with no prompting – what so ever , and after only one ....……….W H OL E… day…………………

……………….and wait for this ……..

……………”emissions cause climate change “ ……..!!!!


So that’ll be Nobel Peace Prizes all round – then :)


Seriously - I can only use one analogy here , and that is –

If political “work ethics” were applied to the real world , i.e. the railways , the whole world would grid to an unceremonious halt .

…..get your - nobel “peace” prizes - here ……

I think I’ll offer an alternative award to the Nobel Peace Prize , which I will call

…The Thrown Together – Taking the Piss – Prize. , or TTTPP for short

So - just to set the scene - how about you all give me loads of money ……………

……hmmmm…………a few billion will probably do for starters…..and I will do all of this , for one inclusive price –

Firstly – I’ll start a few wars , maybe - pollute the planet a bit with my big business friends , then I’ll possibly exploit a few million people along the way , and maybe throw in the odd genocide - just for a laugh - of course .

( Optional extras could include – releasing biological weapons and pretending its a natural disease or possibly selling weapons to both sides , but to be honest - this list is endless , and of course can be tailored to your own deluded mind )

..but wait there’s …MORE … free stuff …

………if you - the world taxpayer - sign up within a week - to this once in a lifetime opportunity ………


I will include an exquisitely - boxed and gilt - limited edition ….......

……THIRD WORLD FAMINE PACK …..!!!......

In which you can squeeze those backward countries to your own will – instantly -
with a minimum of fuss - there by blackmailing them to accept your military bases and of course you can - help them to rebuild their ravaged infrastructure- afterwards

…and all this comes - totally and utterly

..FREE OF CHARGE . …

……..but wait there’s - EVEN – MORE ……

Early responders will get -an exclusive to this offer-


- MILITARY DICTATOR –


…….to install in the country of YOUR choice…again …TOTALLY FREE.........

These top of the range beauties, all have fully programmable - megalomaniac tendencies - ranging from very slightly strict ( Western Countries only ) to the full screaming maniac - mode ( Third World only ) , and come in a variety of sizes
( mainly small ) and in most popular colours , although - white - is a special order :)

Options include – Armies of grey suited – yes men , to offer that essential help and support during those manic moments , and of course - to help bury the bodies .




Mind you at the end of it all the piper will need paying , and I will of course - expect a lavish ceremony, at maybe a climate change or trade conference - for all my
“selfless services to mankind” .This is to be accompanied by at least - choral choirs of angels singing my praises all the way to heaven , or more likely - down over :) , as my exquisitely fashioned award is presented to me before all the peoples of the world in their undying gratitude of being touched by my infinite wisdom :)


Just to end - I’ll quote my “old mate” - Johnny Rotten again - if I may…………

…“ ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated “ …

The Mill Road Miracle

Picture - See below for explanation ……………




We were sat in one of our works vehicles today , and saw a guy driving towards us on one of those disabled scooters .

He then stops at a local shop , and subsequently had everyone one in the shop running around after him – which on the face of it was fair enough .

We moved our vehicle to yet another location called Mill Road , and guess what after a while - the self same guy came riding up the road - stopped his scooter - and then picked it up and bodily lifted it on to the kerb - Arnold Schwarzenegger - style !!!

Now - although I was totally and utterly - gobsmacked - I managed to get my camera out by this time , and took a couple of photographs of this “holy miracle” , albeit at long distance.

So I thought – so as not to exclude anyone from the fabulous sight - I have decided that copies of these photographs will indeed - be available to buy , along with a few pieces of the true cross - I have lying around – somewhere , and of course ….
……….in hushed tones……… the spare wheel from the miracle scooter :)



Kulture Korner
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Can I recommend that my U.K. reader’s watch a film called The History Boys on
B.B.C. 2 tonight ( Friday ) . It’s very well written and extremely witty , if those of a sensitive nature don’t mind the gay overtones - in fact this certainly adds to the hilarity – regardless :)


Well - seeing as it was cancelled last week - it’s Damien H day tomorrow , and I’ve decided to behave myself for once …….well ok I haven’t :) ……

Table Time

It’s about time we seriously got around the table with terrorists on a global basis.

Yes - you read that correctly - we did it in the U.K. ( Northern Ireland ) , and apart from the odd blip - peace has been maintained for well over ten years , and this was after some of the bloodiest conflicts seen in the U.K. in modern times , and this raged for well over 30 years.

That’s right a full 30 years of blood shed in your own back yard , and not in a place many thousands of miles away , which for all intents and purposes could be the moon., and we are talking bombs and bullets on your own streets – every day – here,
and not just a one off occurrence .

I do agree , ending conflict is a difficult thing , especially as there will be those on both sides , who simply thrive on war and do not want peace, and in our particular case it’s a group called The Real IRA .

I think for example the conflict in Afghanistan - it will usually being the high ranking officers in the military who as a rule , do not get shot at on the front line - on one side , and the people who indoctrinate others for example - to martyr
themselves – on the other .

Neither one - “getting their hands dirty “ - but both being in a position to fuel the conflict , while it seems - the pathetic politicians just follow their lead .

Now with all this in mind - I just wonder if its possible for Khalid Mohammed to have a fair trial on American soil - in a state with the heavy emotional attachment to the event , and more importantly - has the death penalty.

Justice must be carried out and “to be seen to do this “ is simply not an option , and this must be by a set of the most impartial people , you can lay you’re your hands on , otherwise you just may as well string people up in the street , which is fine and well - until they run out of undesirables - and its your turn – that is :)

Certainly from a non American perspective - I think it’s a tragedy that both politicians and some of the families of those killed in 9/11 , are screaming for the death penalty for the perpetrators , and then back their claims up by shouting ….

…………...” WERE AT WAR !!! ………….WERE AT WAR !!! “ …………
Now if anyone was “ at war” , and I don’t think we actually were , it was the U.K. in those thirty - bloody years , in which - families , husbands , sons and daughters were lost , and I’m not going to get started about Irish Americans funding - either !!!


Well - with all respect to the American families , but certainly not the politicians -

…………….NO ONE IS AT WAR ………………

I’m sorry but this is merely - right wing propaganda , and if you really need reminding, it was extreme right wing politics , which was ironically - the whole reason your fathers and grandfathers fought in a - REAL WAR - and thus I truly believe that in calling for the death penalty - it makes you no is no better than the people who are being sentenced to death – simple as that .

If you really want justice - lock the perpetrators away for the rest of their lives , as in my opinion a “humane execution” is over in a few seconds – here one minute – gone the next - but if you are sentenced to a lifetime in jail - with a crushing repetitive , daily regime , and then been made to contemplate your crime for the rest of your life , well - that seems like real hell to me.

Sailing the Seas

I notice the yacht load of English sailors that were captured yesterday by our old mates the Iranians - have been subsequently released - but without the usual propaganda coup associated with such events .


Now - considering the Iranian President is usually a “right workey ticket “ ( a phrase meaning “to be awkward “ ) - I just wonder if it’s the fact that the fact that the ship they were sailing on was owned by the Saudi’s - had any bearing on the matter , or if the Iranian authorities had come to the conclusion they were doing…………

……… “ no evil “………………..

……EVIL !!!……

……………these Iranians - REALLY - need to get out more…….don’t they :)


Anyway - this sort of thing is definitely an English pastime - isn’t it – as who else would go -

Yachting - in a hotly disputed - costal area .

Taking a walking holiday through a war zone ,.

Merrily sailing through pirate infested waters .

…….or hiking up a mountainside in shorts and t shirt in a blizzard !!!


Why do we do this - I hear you ask …………

…..Well why not !!! …were English and can go where ever we jolly well want :)

Seriously –

It always seems to be some one from this country that gets caught up in these crazy situations, and if was anyone else , you would think they were up to no good , but find out where we are from , and people just throw their head back and exclaim……….
……oh they are English !!! …….. as if that’s perfectly alright ……..!!! .

Now you all know where the phrase “ mad dogs and Englishmen…..” comes from , and I can cheerfully report that this ancient spirit is still alive and very well , and is probably taking a well earned vacation in a minefield ……… somewhere :)

Technobabble

I don’t suppose anyone out there fancies a good - quantative easing - do
they …?????

………………..time for the abuse button I hear you all thinking :)

Well you can - quantativly ease - me anytime :)

…………….definitely button time :)

To be honest this phrase only applies to my bank account , to you with dirty minds :) and I suppose it means easing ( your financial status ) by putting more quantity
( money ) in it , and is really one of those financial phrases , which means putting more money in to the economy, although why its not called that in the first place, is of course - beyond me .

No - I’ve not turned in to an evil financier - grabbing millions in bonuses in my wake and investing in a myriad of hedge funds , its merely the fact that the B.B.C. Financial Program is on T.V. before I go to work , so my head is usually full of all this kind of stuff , not that I understand what it all means – mind you :)

So I’m off to do a little - quantative easing in my hedge fund – if that’s ok with you :)



War and Peace
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Hey !!! - I’ve just found out the “real meaning” of being a Nobel Peace Prize Winner and its apparently ……….”sending even more soldiers to war” ………

Ok - maybe I’ve got this totally wrong , and the meaning of the word - peace - has now been changed , and what with the panel that award the prize being Norwegian , maybe the translation is slightly different , so I’d better go consult –

The Oxford English Dictionary , or maybe the Norwegian equivalent -
The Oslo Norwegian Dictionary :)

……..hmmmmm….. ….no it hasn’t , and guess what the word ………..

…………hypocrite…… …..remains exactly the same in English ……

…………. as it is in Norwegian !!!.

I Demand ……..Health Care for Window Sills and Beds !!!

You may have gathered that I usually go too far in most things – titles included - probably after reading my various antics on here , and this usually ends in tears , not that that ever stops me , and Friday’s particular “tears” was a pulled muscle in my back :)

I went to the gym as usual on Friday , cycled home and then decided in my “wisdom” to wash the inch thick of accumulated concrete dust off the car , then got even more - sidetracked cleaning the wheels – afterwards , and it was just when I went to stand up I felt a sharp pain in my back

Hence - no article on the news over the weekend about Damien Hirst’s Harley been “stolen” :)


Talking of health or lack there of , in my own case :) , I reckon we have still got one of the top three health care systems in the world , regardless of the current decline, and I made a few comments as regards our Health Service last week after visiting a relative in hospital , and these included views - regarding - partial privatisation of the service and the subsequent lowering of standards in all areas.

To go off on an even further tangent, but there is a link - photography is one of my hobbies , and I came across a wisecrack recently on a website from a certain country
– guess where :) , which went along the lines of – “ this camera is expensive in foreign countries , due to the taxes levied on it to pay for healthcare “

Well I’m highly tempted to make a crack back , but to be honest its simply not worth it , and will say that extra money is well spent if it is put in the right hands , and you can read on about this ………

I noticed on my last visit , that there were several official looking people wandering around the hospital with clip boards , which a nurse informed me …….“were bed inspectors” and next week you have the window sills inspectors !!! , and she then said that was the tip of the iceberg as regards the layers of created - useless jobs - now in the service , and of course uttered the immortal words………………

.. “the money could be better spent on care “…


To be honest this is life at the sharp end , and what happens if you involve greedy right wing business men in to these tax payer funded systems.

You must remember that the basis of our Health Service is not to make money , but to provide health care , and as I say it still does regardless of their interference , but unless something is done , I reckon it will come to a stage when it will unfortunately fail , but rest assured – all the beds and window sills will all be in good order .

I WANNA ROCK !!!!!!

Now this is a title of a track by 80’s rockers Twisted Sister, for those who don’t know.

Twisted Sister were a rock / metal - band , comprising a gang of 6 ft plus guys who wore make up and strange clothes , which I suppose is nothing out of the ordinary in those days , but to be honest - they weren’t really taken seriously because of their image , and simply disappeared in to metal history along with a lot of bands from that era.

The fact that their video’s were all comedy too , didn’t exactly fuel the serious image - either - but saying that they weren’t exactly Spinal Tap or Bad News .

Now there seems to be a bit of a resurrection of this type of music ………
…..SHOCK HORROR ……. what with bands like Motley Crue touring recently and a band called Steel Panther doing the rounds , which I heard somebody in the office talking about the other day - which is fair enough – considering :)

Errrrrr …….dare I mention the fact that I’ve been talked in to going to see
Glam metal (sters) - Faster Pussycat and Enuffz Enuff ………..
……right that’s ok …….……but don’t tell anybody :)

Saying this - you can imagine my surprise today as I heard the strains of…..
……I Wanna Rock ….coming from the office , especially as this
particular office is usually occupied by our sworn enemies – the Bed Wetters !!! :)

So I walk in and say …..

……..“what’s going on here – have you lot - ran out of beds to piss in “ :)


I’m not a metal sterotype ……… honest ………

……continues in Spinal Tap , Bad News or any other spoof metal movie …… playing somewhere near you :)

A Holiday in Copenhagen .

You can sing this along to the tune of A Holiday in Cambodia by The Dead Kennedy’s if you wish - as the sentiments are probably the same – or maybe not :)

I suppose certain things are really brought home when they effect you personally , otherwise its probably just a news report or writing on a p.c. screen or newspaper , about for example - poor foreigners being washed out of their homes by a storm or dying of drought.

I think we’ve seen these images often enough to be slightly immune to them ,although the distraught images of poor polar bears adrift on pieces of melting ice seemed to galvanize at least some public thought on climate change on a worldwide basis.

My own personal experience is very , very slight - compared to say the massive storms in Western England where the largest amount of rain ever recorded fell a few days ago , but nethertheless - I ‘m still wearing my light weight Autumn / Spring gear on my mountain bike as there has been no frosts yet and were nearly in to December.

Yes a very , very small observation – relatively speaking - I do agree , but it does worry me enough to write about this subject – yet again - which will in time will effect us all , and probably on a catastrophic basis if something is not done.

The fact as to whether this is just being treated as yet another jolly holiday by our politicians reared up its oh so ugly head yesterday - as there was an article on the news that morning - that in the light of the upcoming conference in Copenhagen , the larger and richer , countries of the world are apparently not paying the promised money , that subsides the poorer countries , in relation to climate change .

The thing is when small side issues like finance cannot even be upheld , I personally have no confidence in the tackling of the real issues at hand , especially as these world meetings have been dragging on for years with no concrete progress .

I always try to put myself in other people’s position before deciding on something , and if I really want to be selfish - I’ve got no children to worry about in the future , but more importantly – I’m sure when the ecological sh*t hits the fan I’ll be well and truly dead and buried , and finally - it would take the whole of both polar ice caps to melt and loads more - to flood my own house :)

So go destroy the world – I’m alright :)

A Diary Date

I saw two words adorning my local art gallery at the weekend , and suddenly images of - pickled sharks / cows / sheep , jewel encrusted skulls and of course - Harleys with paint dropped on them from a great height , all passed through my tiny brain all at once…………………

No - I havn’t fallen over and hit my head – and yes that’s right - my “old mate” Damien Hirst - currently has an exhibition running in my kulturedd ( sic) , part of the world..

I was unfortunately in such a hurry on Saturday – a visit will have to wait until next week- giving them at least some advance warning to put signs on the Harley - if its – indeed on display - saying………..

“ Exhibits are NOT to be ridden out of the hall ” .. :)

Now – In my warped mind – I reckon it’s a form of even higher art - me stealing the Harley , riding it in to the lift , and then zooming off in to the sunset , pursued by a pickled sheep with a diamond encrusted head - a kind of - surreal performing art , or maybe not :)


Talking of art - I notice there is a kind of Apprentice for art as opposed to business - running on the B.B.C. at the moment , with the ever elusive Charles Sachii of advertising fame - running it , or not as the case may be , as he is an
“ intensely private person “ and apparently is not seen or heard on camera , preferring to talk though a spokeswoman instead ……..errrrr ….ok :)

I must say - some of the stuff on display from the 12 young artists featured were very good , and yes innovative , but stuff like a film of a flock of starlings flying around ,which has been done in a lager advert a few years ago , or a whistle hanging from a rail - well I think not , regardless of what - Tracey “unmade bed” Emin - reckons , and my money is on either the “I don’t give a f**k “- guy , who didn’t go to art college , or the more likely - the young Asian artist .

Well the weekend and Damien’s artistic embrace now beckons , so watch this space…….

……..where the Harley used to be….of course :)

Teflon Tone

I see “Teflon” Tony Blair ex U.K.Prime Minister and Euro’ Presidential - reject :) is to appear before a committee in the U.K. , which is looking in to the legality of our involvement in the Iraq War , in the near future .

This “impartial “committee has of course been hand picked by serving politicians , and its Chairman has vehemently stated that there is going to be absolutely no whitewash on this subject – surely not :) .Stating that all the facts will indeed come out , and he has also taken the unusual step of openly encouraging all the witnesses to tell the truth – regardless of the “consequences “.

Hmmmmm………if the above is indeed correct - I just wonder how they persuaded Teflon Tony to attend - and as for him telling the truth !!! – well there’s a first for everything :).

Right where was I …oh yes Tony attending of his own free will …………

Silly me - It must be due to the fact that this is not a court of law and thus has no binding powers - just an enquiry - who will no doubt publish some long winded report - minus the Dulux – of course :), thus you can have all the damning facts you like come out in these proceedings , but absolutely nothing will happen to anyone.

The whole procedure is farce from beginning to end , and highlights the fact there is absolutely no system where by politicians are made to be accountable for their serious shortcomings , and until that is changed , and certain authorities are stopped from hiding behind the “ not in the public interest ” - excuse , there can be no faith in them or their systems .

This - I think will probably happen when the Police pass the file over to The
D.P.P ( a body who decides if its worth taking people to court ) as regards the recent politicians expenses scam , and I’ve got no doubt it will be returned as usual
– marked ………………

….“ not in the public interest “ ………..

Well I certainly beg to differ !!!




Mythical Status ----------------------------------

I have been visiting an elderly relative in hospital recently , so have come across the various antiseptic lotion dispensers scattered around our hospitals - complete with the signs saying “ its your duty !!!!.......... to clean your hands “ .

Which on the face of it seems fair enough.

Dig a little deeper though , and these signs actually imply that you are bringing some kind of disease with your “unclean body” in to the hospital .

The fact is the biggest killer of patients in hospitals other than the obvious , is
MRSA - something which is brought about by a pure lack of hygiene on the hospitals
part , and yes - I do admit visitor germs are a contributory factor too , hence the antiseptic is probably good as a second line of defence , but certainly not a primary .

MRSA probably first got started when the NHS was partially privatised - years ago , and was seemingly all but eradicated in a Welsh hospital a while ago - before the dispensers appeared - when tough cleaning regimes , were again implemented.

So I reckon this “magical cure all dispenser” is a myth , as they are tackling the symptoms and not the cause with it , which I think is odd thing to do in the healthcare situation , but then again its ran by penny pinching accountants - so it figures - get a few bottles of cheap Dettol instead of employing proper cleaners , and then of course you have the coup de grace………

……………………you can blame the visitors for your problems …………….

I wonder how much taxpayers money was wasted on that particular gem !!!

Jaws 1, 2 and 3

Now there’s a blast from the past - I received an e- mail today from a guy I used to work with saying
“it was probably safe to come back after 10 years “

No - I didn’t try and feed him to a great white shark as the title suggests – either :)

This guys nickname , which I didn’t give him , at that time was - Sharky , as Al as we shall now call him , was a bit of a “predator” when it came to chatting up women..

We even put a cardboard fin on top of his car which was known as The Sharky Mobile , to celebrate this :) , as the many photo’s stuck on our wall at work reminded me of today .

In fact - there are about 100 or so photographs of various employees on this particular wall - stretching back to the 1960’s .Some old black and white ones of the original staff , blurred colour ones - shot in the 70’s , and various Xmas parties from the 80’s and 90’ , along with various at work shots , and I even brought a video camera in once about 10 years ago , so a day in the life is preserved for posterity - a future You tube addition – maybe :).

Talking of posterity - I must bring my digital camera in to work - sometime soon , and copy all the photo’s on the wall , as some of them are a little ravaged by time – to put it mildly and I certainly don’t want all our experiences slipping away in to time – unnoticed :)

I dropped Al an e- mail back , and said he should come visit us , although I reckon there are probably only three of us left from those days , for him to “wallow in the nostalgia” - with , and then go and chat up everyones wives and girlfriends in the process – of course :)

…….begins at home ???

Children in Need is an annual charity event ran by the B.B.C. , and it is basically encourages people to donate , and raise money basically by putting on various events
around the U.K..

There is also an accompanying television program , with amongst other things loads of well l known celebrities doing odd and off the wall things to raise money too.

The B.B.C front man who advertises this event , and does some of the hosting is “lovable” Oirish Lepechaun” – Terry Wogan ( Tel’) , and I’ll get straight to the point here – Tel’ the stereotype - is the only person who insists on being paid , as everyone else regardless of their status not only contribute something like a silly sketch or event , to the proceedings unlike Tel ‘, but more importantly do it for free !!!.

You must remember this is a charity - yes a CHARITY event, which is ran by a state funded organisation ., and that aside - considering the wealth of absolute talent out there I’m sure they can do better than using a racist , sexist - skinflint.

My own suggestion is 1960’s Richardson Gang Enforcer - “Mad “ Frankie Frazer -
( see below :)



Dead , Jail , Rock and Roll .
---------------------------------------------------

Well - I was out and about most of last weekend and get this – I never even switched my computer on Sunday !!! ………………shocking huh :)

Anyway – on Saturday I was at a place called Westgate Road, which is basically a street of motorcycle shops running for about half a mile , and saw an old friend of mine - Joe - from my long lost youth :).

Now - I had last ran in to him maybe 10 or so - years ago and he was then speaking with a Cockney* accent ( * coming from London ) , which is odd for a someone born and bred in the north , or so I thought.

What I do remember - is - he was a tiny bit cagy at the time about his strange accent and where he had been for the past few years , but talking to another friend - later , it transpired he had actually been to jail in London for several years for armed robbery- hence the accent and enforced absence :).

Talking of criminals - I am of course still reading the biography of Bruce Reynolds - mastermind of The Great Train Robbery , and he seems to have spent well over half his life locked up , but strangely and like the rest of his compatriots like the notorious gangsters The Krays and Richardson’s , it was partly in my local jail !!! .

I saw an interview with the aforementioned “Mad “Frankie Frazer on T.V. recently , and he said the sounds of the brass bands playing at The Big Meeting ( a local tradition which has been running for years ) always brightened up his day - well it makes a change from hitting people with a chopping axe – I suppose :)

So with this in mind , and back to my original question - do you think “Mad” Frankie would be a suitable compare - he could maybe chase our Tel’ around the studio with his axe trying to extract money from him………..

…….“take me arm and not me wallet for Jesus, Mary and Josephs sake….
………….begorah… !!! :)

Clean up Time ???

The Queen’s speech in the U.K.is an age old tradition whereby our monarch passes new laws on behalf of the government - ok enough English history..

Considering all the uproar about M.P’s expenses recently , and the fact politicians absolutely love to pass laws within laws within laws – mainly to justify their own
jobs :) , there has been no specific legislation put forward to combat political corruption.

The official line being - current legislation will be sufficient to deal with it.

Now - unfortunately any kind of findings in the recent official enquiry seem to have absolutely no legal binding , a fact politicians knew about before the Queens Speech , so how can existing laws be used to combat corruption .

Oh sorry I’m being terribly naïve here , aren’t I - politicians passing laws to disadvantage themselves – surely not :)




( in the ) Thick of it
------------------------------------

I’ve actually discovered a comedy program I actually like - no big deal I hear you thinking - but in my case its an absolute godsend , and this is because and I do admit I’m - awkward in the extreme - when it comes to humour .

I tend to like – intelligent – fast moving , humour , and a program called The Thick of It - fits the bill , although be warned it is abrasive as drinking crushed glass, and of course every other word is a swear word , including the infamous C**t word , hence it being on after 10 o clock at night and tucked away on B.B.C. 2 . .

This is the third series - the other two unfortunately escaped my attention , and I suppose you could call it political satire , as its based in a government office and focuses on all the spin that goes on behind the scenes , but the main attraction is its so non politically correct. This is rather like the various programs of the 70’s which occasionally get repeated on satellite , where you had - tits , puffs and black characters called Golly , and maybe I’ve become a little brainwashed myself , but I spluttered in to my tea - when I heard the latter - the other day :)

My latest hoot is ripping the piss out of political correctness - right to the point where it becomes absolutely and utterly – ridiculous , but then again – that’s the point of it all :)



I was in a clothes shop at the weekend and a young white assistant was talking to a black customer as I walked past , and he was telling him about the colours of T shirts they stocked .

He was saying “we have that style in red , blue , green and black……………. “

………….and as soon as the word ….black…. came out of his mouth

I said in a faux shocked voice ….

…………….”are you allowed to say that ……!!! “…………:)…

Represent and Advise with a Twist

On one hand its nice to know that people trust you enough to put you forward for example - the panel that represents staff interests in a restructure , but sometimes I’m simply not the appropriate person , because of my own thought and views .


I try to always look at the big picture , which sometimes is as I say - simply not appropriate in certain scenarios , this one included , and this is mainly because my own angle is from staff as a whole in our organisation , and not just my own section.

Hence my input could be counter productive so I passed on that particular honour

Advice on buying Harleys – well that’s a whole lot easier as I was requested to help The Police with their inquiries on this particular one – today :).

It can be a strange experience training in a Police facility as I do , but what you must realise is all Police officers must be careful who they associate with , and any what I will call- unfriendliness - is usually because of that , so I tend to keep myself to myself so to speak - hence when I’m approached out of the blue , it tends to take me a back :).

I don’t advertise the fact I’ve got a Harley in the real world , as I can’t be bothered with the majority of idiots who own them now a days , so I was a little surprised this officer knew I did , although with hindsight this is The Police were talking about – here :)

He almost apologetically said he had a Sportster - which is an entry level bike , and is looked on with scorn by the “johnny come lately” - Harley riders , according to my information, although it seems the majority of them have actually owned one.

Now I personally missed this stage out , and bought a big twin with a flame paint job and 18 inch ape hanger handlebars , so can - I suppose I can quiet legitimately –
“ piss on the underlings heads “ - so to speak :) , but I said “nice bike” straight away to him - instead , thus opening up the conversation , to the fact he wanted to trade up to a bigger Harley .

Errrr………. can I point out the fact that he was naked in a changing room at the time, surrounded by other guys in various states of undress - I’m at the sports centre – remember :) .

I just thought I’d pull that one out of the hat: - to make sure your all still awake :)

No Pictures Please !!!

John Peel has just died , Keith Moon has been dead for ages and Bruce Reynolds has just been born - now there’s a total chronological jumble - 1980 , 2004 and 1931 , all in one - yes that’s right - its my recent literature triumphs – yet again :).

I never usually pick a book up after 7.30 am , and thus tend to get to work at least an hour and a quarter early , so I can sit and wade through the various books , purloined from our local library , and how all this stuff fits in my bag I’ll never know :)

Bruce Reynolds – offering - is subtitled The Autobiography of a Thief , and of course – him - being the brains behind the great train robbery of the 1960’s - it all seems rather fitting., but like most famous events - that has been documented beyond belief and what I find most fascinating is peoples ordinary lives , which probably stems as you all know , from my own love of social history.

In the good old days - history was always written by the conquerors , and more recently by politicians and the rich and famous , but the advent of the ‘net , it means you can peer in to someone’s life almost anytime of the day and night.

This like most things is a double edged sword., as I read recently that actor Stephen Fry has “spat the dummy out” , simply because people were taking the piss out of his Twitter entries., but then again - Stephen gleefully announcing to the world every time he goes to the toilet will unfortunately put him straight in to the firing line , and no amount of actatorial * - strops will ever remove him from that :).

( * not in the Oxford English Dictionary - so don’t even look , but I reckon it means ………to behave like an actor - unknowingly paradorying yourself )

The old adage - if you court publicity , don’t be surprised when publicity turns around and bites you – hard - applies here , and I’m definitely not in the camp of the even older adage – all publicity is good publicity , as all the winners of the recent £90 million lottery winners seem to have done !!!.

This has now got me questioning why I am writing this , and guess what I’ve got absolutely no f**king idea , although on second thoughts its probably
……. “just to see if I can do it “ ……. knowing me :).

I’m sure I’ll run out of claptrap ideas one day and my “literary career “ :) will pass , as I find something else to do in my lunchtime ………

……”hey - I went to the toilet last night and guess what ……..”

……..continues on Twitter …..:)

T.V Nation

You’d think by the way I go on , that I sit and watch television all the time , and I must admit I watched three consecutive programs on Sunday night , which believe it or not is very , very unusual for me :):

They were the usual collection of sublime to the ridiculous subjects - ranging from science fiction - through antiques !!! - to finally - a motoring program.

The science fiction element was Dr Who - something I’d written off due to
Russell .T. Davies involvement, as his writing style being more suited to soap
operas than sci fi to be honest .

So in the light of the news that he has been nearly thrown off the show , I thought I’d give it a go , and apart from the soap opera “ pass the bucket “ moments obviously still written by Russell - I did quiet like the episode. There is also talk of the guy who wrote Blink , which is without doubt the best ever episode of the resurrected series , taking over the writing in the new series after my old mate - Russell has been ejected after the Xmas special …………

…..merry xmas … Russ and don’t f**king come back …………:)

The Antiques program - I suppose - was viewed by default as it was filmed in my part of the world , with the magnificent Bowes Museum being the backdrop , so I suppose I just watched it out of idle curiosity more than anything else , and no - antiques - although I do appreciate them , are not one of my new interests , so don’t even think it :)

The Lamborghini Murcielago on the other hand - well that’s a different story , and if anyone has a spare one in ………..hmmmm….. lets think……….
………..eyeball searing orange :) ………for example ……. that they don’t want - I’ll certainly find a good home for it :)

Yes that’s right - the boys from motoring program - Top Gear have been testing super cars – yet again , and apparently this particular series is shipped everywhere around the world bar the U.S.A. for some strange reason , but I suspect its probably due to their antics over there in previous series – look it up - as I’m not going to insult our Transatlantic cousins by recounting these tales - as what’s funny here , certainly isn’t over there.

Oh go on then twist my arm ……………………


Land of the free industries present ……


……..Khalid Mohammed’s Flying School – First Lesson Free............


………but wait there’s EVEN more………


………free torture and summary execution of all students included, if you are not martyred , at the taxpayers expence ……


Tsk…… tsk…………. that naughty B.B.C. :)

No parking at any time ……..offenders will be shot……. :)

This is one of those amusing signs you see , with different variations on a theme like Harley parking only – violators will be shot , and this type of signs came in to my head recently , as there has been an almighty outcry about parking , or lack there of , at work .

This - combined with the “oh so serious” - high level memo’s flying around from top management - telling staff about how inconsiderate parking will not be tolerated , and all offenders will be summarily executed without exception - or so I’m told :)

So after all this fuss - yesterday - I looked up and saw a VW Golf being double parked outside our office , which was effectively not only blocking the road but our loading bay . So with the thoughts of the memo’s ringing in my ears - I picked up my trusty Glock 9mm that we all seem to have lying about the office since the memo was issued :) , and wandered outside to ask the “criminal offender “ to move his car.

Now - I knew exactly who it was before I even got out there – that person being one of our esteemed directors , so of course - I just feigned ignorance , which is not surprisingly not very hard for me to do - smiled sweetly - and asked him to move his vehicle , and I certainly wasn’t laughing - as he vainly drove around the block 20 times looking for a space – either :)

I only found out later , that all reserved parking bays, including management ones are available for anyone to park in after 9.00 , so one of our more “enterprising “ staff had noted the director wasn’t in - so had moved their own car in to the space – on
purpose of course :).

The director - then turns up a few minutes later and “unfortunately “ his space is
taken , so like the rest of the world has to go find a space , and after maybe a microsecond of looking - he instantly - double parks !!! , and of course - you can all guess where the original parking memo’s originated from - yes that’s right a certain VW Golf driver , who shall remain totally and utterly - anonymous :)
.

So today quiz is to re arrange these four words……..

….hypocrite… a… I… am ….

……….In to a literate sentence , thus our management need not apply :)

First prize is a ……

………VW Golf …and of course the Glock - one careful owner - only used once :)

Sign 0' The Times ???

I was out on my drive way last week , and I heard some body shouting something, although it didn’t seem to be a word , but more like attracting attention to themselves - which sounds a little odd - but bear with me.

The shouting got closer , and I realised it was a couple of guy’s riding round in a battered white pick up truck , which was absolutely filled to the top with what seemed like rows and rows of used electrical items from fridges to cookers.

I’m not really old enough to have experienced the forerunners of these two characters in the truck , but they were called - “ rag and bone men “ ., and certainly in the dim – distant past , they toured towns and cities collecting things other people didn’t want on their horses and carts.

I’m not sure when this profession died out , but the B.B.C had a comedy program about two such guys set in the early 1960’s / 70’s , entitled Steptoe and Son , and as I say its something I have personally never encountered.

I’m just wondering if this has been revived as a “sign o’ the times” type of thing - what with the world in recession , and had these two enterprising gentlemen introduced a more modern version of an ancient profession :)




suffering the slings and arrows ……… not :)
-----------------------------------------------------------------


Uh – Oh ……….I think I’ve passed in to local literarily history - here , with one of my - off the wall phrases.

Now we’ve all heard the phrase “ watching paint dry “ , which is usually in connection with something extremely boring , well I’ve gone one better……….

……………. “ listening to paint dry “ …………………

Which in all honesty , has been coined with all the useless - blatherer’s and spieler’s out there in mind – I’m thinking politicians and businessmen here ………
……..or am I being too harsh ………… yet again :)

Saying that - I personally dislike using unnecessary words in both written and oral communication , so can come across as personally being - short , sharp and to the point , which invariably shows in this and the other articles I write……

………………...edited for content …………:)

Foreign Fields - Reprise

…….“I cannot imagine the trepidation you still feel huddled together in the fields of Afghanistan - lying amongst the poppies - as white and cowardly as the people who sent you to this place …….. but ultimately tinged red …………………..”

Change the Sheets :)

Dear oh dear - I very nearly became a bed wetter on Tuesday night !!! .

Which I suppose is no real compensation for not going to see Saxon and Anvil last week the reason for that being – Evil Don had no money, which is even odder as my sister phoned me from the gig to ask me something , and neither of us knew the other was going to attend the gig , or in my case not :)

Yes – and back to the bed wetting - I’d better explain what this is first - hadn’t I :)

This “charming” phrase hat Evil Don and myself made up a while ago , refers to a genre of music which encompasses bands like - The Killers , Coldplay , Kaiser Chiefs , Artic Monkeys and of course – Kasabian ., and describes their fans more than anything - referring to a lazy generation that cannot be bothered to get out of
bed , thus piss in it – marvellous - huh :)


Now one of our guys – John - was actually going to see Kasabian on Tuesday night , but the friend he was going with was ill , so he asked me if I wanted to go , and after the initial faux shock - the piss taking began - about having to buy new trousers as I’d have to piss in them at the gig - began , and John just knew he was on to a loser at this point , so I then very “ helpfully” suggested he took Ten Bob Shrinker with him but that would look like his dad was accompanying to the gig ….. etc --- etc ---etc :)

Now you may think I’m being ultra cruel here , but if you remember from my tales in the past , our very own little bedwetter gang at work , usually mercilessly rip the piss out of anyone who do not like their type of music - all day , every day, and of course I wrongly thought that John asking me if I wanted to go see Kasabian was all part of yet another elaborate ploy in the ongoing war – hence my refusal :)


John must have got a little urinating friend to go with him last night as were instantly back to the usual - us and them - war footing today ……….. ……………
……………nothing like a game of football in no mans land :)

........futures not set.........apparently :)

I always reckon the journey itself is a whole lot better than the destination , although the light at the end of the tunnel always spurs you on , and with this in mind -

Sunday nights thrilling episode of Sydney to Tokyo by any Means - had Charlie Boorman making it to Tokyo on a customised Harley , crossing the Rainbow Bridge….. fist in the air ……

Harley heroics aside , and to be perfectly honest the ending seemed to be a bit of an anti climax , and I’m sure it was the actual editing of the program that made it seem like this , probably combined with the fact it was a little too predictable in the end - but that’s the human race for you :).

I’ve never really been in to shooting moving images , but my SLR camera has a unique movie shooting mode – for an SLR , so I’ve just bought myself a new large capacity memory card , battery and a Japanese adaptor for the charger , ready for my own trip to Japan next year , and of course buying this stuff early means I can practice my shooting techniques , or total lack there of :)

I’ve actually had a Youtube account for ages but never really thought of posting my exploits on there, but this seems like a great future opportunity……

Talking of Youtube - it never ceases to amaze me the wealth of things already on
there - like the hotel I stayed in when visiting Tokyo , Antiknock the metal club I went to , and of course - Alcatraz , which is a prison hospital themed - restaurant , it also has the “legendary” Krispy Kream’s queue - preserved for posterity too , so my own effort will have to be good .

I wish I had thought of this on my first three trips to Japan , as amid other things , I - D..J.’d in a rock club and drifted a Misubishi Evo around the car park in The Tokyo Bay area , and watching me talking Harley’s to two guys who couldn’t understand English must have been hilarious - to name but a few , and guess what – not a single script in sight :)

Hmmmmm ….. this could have been a …..quadrilogy …… and try saying that when your sober – never mind drunk.

Errrr….. I think I’d better stop here ……

….quadrilogy ……. !!!......

……I’m definitely getting ideas – WAY - above my station ……….aren’t I :)

….of foreign fields ……..

I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams what it was like “going over the top “ in 1916 ,
but needless to say the blood splattered mud has spawned a symbol of remembrance as red as those young men’s blood ………………….the poppy.

………………thus I cannot bring myself to wear a poppy

I have had several elderly relations involved in various conflicts over the years and to be honest - they would rather not be reminded of those days , and I could write reams and reams of my own family history here , but would you the casual reader be interested – I think not .

The First World War ( WW1) was an idealistic conflict if there’s such a thing , the Second ( WW2) a total necessity , and anything subsequent was sheer stupidity in my own opinion , and I just wonder if the ranks of the very young army cadets , selling poppies at the weekend , would be so eager to join the armed forces for real , if they knew the harsh realities involved.

Needless to say I am eternally grateful to all of those who sacrificed themselves fighting in wars against pure evil, but ultimately - I will simply not buy a symbol of blood , which in essence is something that is used to ease your own conscience .

Looking at it from my perspective - Its almost as if we have learnt absolutely nothing from the past , as we on one hand come to a standstill as a nation in remembrance, yet still blindly stagger from one meaningless conflict to another - led by the self same donkeys from 1916…………………

…….“I cannot imagine the trepidation you still feel huddled together in the fields of Afghanistan - lying amongst the poppies - as white and cowardly as the people who sent you to this place …….. but ultimately tinged red …………………..”



The Current Bun *
---------------------------------------

( *rhyming slang for The Sun , which is a “news” paper )

A friend of mine pointed out an article in one of the pieces of paper that are usually found blowing about in the gutter , and which laughingly passes as a newspaper in the U.K.- last week , about the area I live in.

The article was entitled ……..Why Geordies don’t live South of Watford *.

* A Geordie is a native of this part of the world , and Watford is a place in S.E. England , where according to some wits - “ civilisation ends ” :)

Now I can’t work out whether this article is patronising, or a genuine surprise by the writer about this area , which is usually portrayed as being all - pit heaps ( spoil heaps from the coal mines ) , flat caps ( flat hats usually worn by old people ) and whippets
( type of dog ) ……………………..

…………….and we don’t like strangers about these parts …… either ……with their city ways and posh cars ……………………………….

……………continues in Deliverance or possibly The Hills Have Eyes :)



Hmmmm……. I think I’ll apply for a job in the Tourist Information Office - after
all :)

Angle Grinder Alley

Yes that’s right yet another story about my work mate Keith…………………….

Now - long standing readers of this will remember when Keith had a slight accident in his car , and he insisted on having a replacement of not just the same type of car but the same model , year , colour and mileage , and much to his credit , and two months of searching he actually got one :)

Anyway the type and colour of Keith’s car is fairly standout- ish , and dare I say it very old fashioned , so what’s the probability of two being parked in the same area at once – yes you can see where I’m going here – can’t you :)

So - Keith parked his car - yesterday and went off shopping , came back and tried to switch off “ his cars” alarm and it wouldn’t work , so tried his key in the lock – wouldn’t work , and off went the alarm as a consequence :)

Instead of trying something rational , Keith’s first thoughts were to go and get his angle grinder and cut his way in to the car – I kid you not – which was probably a very bad idea , as he then spotted his own car three spaces down in the car park


Sorry - I can now just imagine the face of the owner of the original car coming back and finding Keith merrily cutting the locks of his car with an angle grinder , and then the look of absolute horror , when he found out it wasn’t Candid Camera .



Jolly Holidays
--------------------------------------

I notice , after all the hot air , rhetoric and expensive travel to and from various locations scattered around the globe , at the taxpayers expense of course - our politicians - if indeed and by some miracle , they actually come to an agreement on saving the world environment , are ….

……….and wait for this one………
…….NOT ……..and yes you read that correctly…….NOT…… going to make any of those decisions legally binding. !!! .


The title says it all………doesn’t it .

5…4…3…2…1….

………..BOOM …………………….!!!....

………….hmmm I wonder what that noise was , and who are those guys running around in medieval clothing - perused - no doubt by the forces of goodness and
light …………….……………

…………edited ……… as you have all heard this before - several million - trillion - zillion times :):




Welcome to the Modern World


Modernity

Now there’s a word I’ve never come across , but in the space of two days I’ve heard it twice - which I thought was fairly unusual – considering .

Now - both times it was in connection with Art Deco and that era , so I assumed it referred to that particular style as being of a modern type , but I always thought
Art Deco - and yes I’m sure the hordes out there will disagree with me totally :)
- was futuristic looking for the time , so went off to do a little research .


The problem is - now I’ve read the Wikipedia explanation of modernity , I don’t understand it :) , and this is mainly because it rambles on about sociology and all sorts of stuff , but I had a brainstorm today and typed modernity in to my computer whilst in Word - then consulted the thesaurus , and the explanation was ….

…………………”the quality of being modern or up to date”……………………….

So my initial thoughts were correct – for once in my life :) , but the word I thought , had been used incorrectly , that is - if you agree with my futuristic interpretation of Art Deco , so I though I’d make up a word that suited , and that is ……errrr………

Farflungism ( far - flung - ’ ism )

Noun - used to describe future styles , not necessarily placed there by human hand , as the purely literal translation - affords , but existing in a quasi spiritual context - intrinsic to the social and economic fabric of ( future ) society , and wholly coexisting with ………..

……………………….continues Wikipedia ….:)

I some how don’t think it will get in the Oxford English Dictionary – do you :)

I wanna be…………….

I’m not really a massive fan of punk music - to be honest , but saying that I do respect other peoples musical tastes and I will play it if requested when I D.J. , but my interest was piqued when I saw a program on satellite television about The Sex Pistols album –Never Mind the ******* ……or Bollocks…for you all in 2009 and not 1977 :).

You got a track by track analysis of the album and a potted history of the band and of course - the times , and as the program wore on , It dawned on me I didn’t really know very many Sex Pistols tracks , other than of course , the released singles….. ……………..WHOOPS …:)

I was unfortunately - put off ever so slightly when I heard original bassist –
Glen Matlock speak , as he sounded like one of the Kray Twins ( notorious English gangsters from the 1960’s ) , but not as much as their manager - Malcolm Mc Claren who sounds like the oh so - suave and debonair English actor from the 1950’s / 60’s …………… Leslie Philips ……….shocking :)

Good old - Johnny Rotten livened up the proceedings no end - with his string of F words - like it was ‘76 again , or was it , as the as the word was - fake - as opposed to f**k :) ……. which oddly applied to everyone except him ……. ………………..

…….but then again fakes don’t advertise margarine ……do they …Mr Lyndon :)

There is of course a retrospective cynicism about punk being wholly manufactured and subsequently killed off by such luminaries as Malcolm McClaren , and whether or not this is true , I suppose you’ll never really know.

Saying that - there is no doubt that the genre itself has had a far flung effect on modern music , but I somehow think it was the attitudes – manufactured or not - as opposed to the music itself , which was an awful racket , to put a finer point on it.

With that in mind - the musical part of punk rock was never part of my own youth and I’ve never really embraced it in adulthood – either , but it seemed to sum up the times of Thatcher’s Britain , mass unemployment , fat cats and of course the general unrest of that era..

Younger people will no doubt be rolling their eyes back in the merest mention of
“ Thatcher’s Britain “ - and I will say that under her rule , this was the closest this country has ever come to going up in f**king flames.

If you want a more modern anecdote - it was - Magaret Thatcher Prime Minister of the U.K. who actually put in to place the system that allowed our “wonderful “
M.P ’s to embezzle money from the taxpayers in the shape of “expenses” ,
and - yes - it has been going on that long , so I conservatively ( sic) , estimate the sums as being millions of £££..

Ok enough politics and back to the music ??? :)

The sight of Johnny Rotten sneering his way in to the living rooms of suburbia seems very tame by today’s standards , as does the use of the real F word - and not fake – I hasten to add :) , on television too.

Saying that , if you take this , and all the other various things people got up to in those days in the context of the time , it was all purely - dynamite , and yes I do have an open admiration for those scrawny , spotty , funny looking kids , as anyone who sticks two fingers up to authority , again regardless of whether it was planned or spontaneous - the act still remains - pertinent - now as it ever was .


Music’s still fucking rubbish though , and of course ……………………………

…………THATCHER’S STILL A FUCKING GRADE A - CUNT :)………………..

……..oh dear forgot to asterisk it……………..ter*ib*y s*rry :)

Pavlov's Human

Cats - as all of you who own them, will probably know are by nature solitary creatures.

So if you see more than two of them together you just know something is going
down , rather like the time I saw my own two cats Alvin and Boris sat with another cat – Monty , in the back garden playing - what can only be described as …..

…………………….can I hold the mouse now ……..please…………………

Which I swiftly removed from the three interested parties , you will all be relieved to hear – unharmed .


So yesterday - I looked out of the window , and the self same conspiracy of three were sat within spitting distance of one another , so I thought I’d better go take a look ……
………….just in case………………..

I went out and saw them all sitting around what looked like a large light brown leaf , but this “leaf” suddenly bounded a few feet in to the air , and all the gang of conspirators scattered in total and utter - disarray :)

Now - where my feline friends had got the biggest , brown frog I’d ever seen - from , I’ll never know as there isn’t a stream or pond in miles , although - knowing the way cats operate , they have probably been on the internet and got it off E - Bay - using my flippin’ credit card to pay for it :)


Sale @ Joe’s Exotic Pets – Puerto Rico.
----------------------------------------------------

1 x Very Exotic Brown Frog was ------ $10,000 ------

Now on sale @ a mere ------ $ 9,500 --------

Offer only available only to cats who use their owners credit cards :)




Skoolz owt – yet again :)
-----------------------------------------------


I see one of the governments scientific advisors , the unfortunately named Professor David Nut , has been sacked for daring to suggest the effects of cannabis is worse than the official government sponsored drug – alcohol .

Saying that - the official reason given by – Home Secretary - Alan Johnson for the dismissal was…..

………………“ a lack of confidence in Professor Nut “ ………


Now In the wake of all this - two of his most senior colleagues have resigned in protest and an urgent meeting being called by the remaining ……yes men ………..
…….sorry……sorry ….. scientists - with government officials.


The……. “ little children” ….sorry……..sorry……..yet again … …………………
………..duly elected members of parliament :)

….apparently found it hard not to laugh when justifying his sacking yesterday – because of Professors Nut’s name , which I find hard to believe as they are supposedly – adults , which is doubly - ironic , as last week , a horde of real school children took over parliament as part of an experiment , and guess what they were all better behaved and actually talked sense – which says a lot :)

So - can I rewind back to the official reason for his sacking – which was a
supposed - “lack of confidence “, and turn that particular statement around to the hordes of pompous gits , sat tittering at the taxpayers expense in parliament , and point out the total and utter lack of confidence the electorate of the U.K. has in
all of them , regardless of political party , and point out if this “logic” were applied to them they’d be absolute and utter - history ……………..

…………………..rather like the poor guy sat on the bonfire :)

Wish You were Here

Well - my “old mate” - Charlie Boorman has finally embarked for Japan on a cruise liner in the penultimate issue of the B.B.C program - Sydney to Tokyo by any Means.

This hopefully means the whole of next weeks show , will be about two of my favourite subjects – motorcycles and Japan - but strangely not Japanese
motorcycles :)

The preview itself - showed Charlie riding a Harley across The Rainbow Bridge in Tokyo , and I’m tempted to say - “ been there , done that and got the T shirt “ but its only two thirds true in my case , as even the mighty Harley Davidson’s influence - seemingly does not extend to hiring their bikes in Japan …..

………………………..Timbuktu - yes…… Tokyo - no …..:)


No doubt I mystify a lot of people on here with my enthusiasm for Japan , so if you watch this program on B.B.C 2 next Sunday at 9.00 you can probably understand why , the rest of you outside the U.K. can probably dial it up on Youtube , and as for the motorcycling part goes well that’s unexplainable , so I suggest you try that for yourself :)




Poles Apart
----------------------------------

I got a phone call off my sister yesterday , who must have really , really had something on her mind , as she immediately launched in to something about ……being on the phone to my dad , and something about mental illness in the family……………….

So I say …..“ are you asking me or telling me” ( about the mental illness ) which of course stops her dead in her tracks , and totally cracks her up………………….

Then after the “p*ssing herself laughing” - subsides – I say……

“ok - slowly and from the beginning “ …..

…..the gist of which she has been unfortunately , diagnosed with Bi Polar .

Bi Polar used to be called manic depression in the good old days , and probably warranted a straight jacket and padded cell , and to be honest is something I have only heard about - fairly recently - as a term, but guessed by the name it probably had something to do with……………………………….

………………..gay people living at the South Pole………………

Now I’m sure , my sister like the rest of you out there would probably prefer this humorous explanation , although I somehow think those afflicted with –
political correctness - probably wouldn’t :)

Concrete Jungle

Keith - our resident works maniac , announced yesterday he’d bought himself a cheap angle grinder a few weeks ago , which is basically - a high powered tool , with a spinning - cutting disc , that is usually used to cut and grind metal.

It was in the ….“I’ve got an angle grinder “…… sentence, that he then mentioned he was going to cut concrete with it ……………………………

Sorry for dipping in to the big box of boys big toys here - but concrete is usually cut with a very expensive - water cooled - Stihl saw , and not a low powered hardware store item , and to use an analogy , this is like using an old record deck to play a C.D. - i.e. totally the wrong tool for the job , but infinitely more “dangerous” than ruining your limited edition collectors item C.D. with a diamond stylus :)

I get the impression that Keith buys stuff , and finds a use for them later , hence the angle grinder purchase , and thus its use in a totally unsuitable way at a later date .

.Keith’s very colourful antics have been chronicled on here fairly well in the past ,
like - locking himself in the car and putting a steel rod through a gas pipe - to name but a few , so I dread to think what next week will bring.- probably a visit to casualty :)

Business as Usual

I see the U.K. Government has been very “ busy” - running around trying to sort out the current financial crisis - with a whole “raft of measures” ( sic ) , including - restricting mortgages , changing the way credit cards are administered , preparing to raise taxes to cover shortfalls , and of course ……

Legislating against the financial industry that got us in to the hole in the first place .


No hang on .. the last one isn’t true… is it ...:)


With this in mind - what people fail to realize on this particular issue , is the financial reforms that were so trumpeted by the government - recently , are actually a set of existing, but surprisingly - non binding rules, that were put in place when the public originally bailed the banks out , but to be honest , seem to be as worthless as the paper they are written on - or not - as the case may be, and were dealing with politicians and bankers here – remember :)

Meanwhile - and back in the real world – if you take a close look at the official measures that are being introduced , it not only seems to blame the U.K. public for the crisis , but adds further insult to injury , by making us all pay for it all - years afterwards - in the guise of raised taxes and restrictive financial processes.

Whilst - back in clown cuckoo land - the banks sail merrily on , and are
“surprisingly “ back in to the big bonus culture……


This of course is oh so ironic as next week its ……bonfire night :)……

…..and we all know my thoughts on that particular one……

…but could I make a few minor changes , this time ..

…… like Parliament inviting their big business buddies to the meeting :)

Hmmmm - Two birds with one barrel of gunpowder - bargain :)

Past the Sell by Date :)

I know my use of the English style of date i.e. day / month /year , confuses some people on here , and of course this has got me thinking why we use this particular system , and the some countries seems to use - month /day / year - system .

I think we have the historical high ground on our format :) , as well as the numeric logic too, as it goes from the smallest unit ( days ) to the larger unit ( years ) with months in between , but there seems to be no logic in the other system with the middle unit ( months ) - first , days in the middle , and finally years at the end .

Just to add to the confusion - I’ve just found that the international ( ISO )date form is
year / month /day - which again is logical , if in a topsy turvey way :)

I’ve searched the net for explanations, but can’t seem to find any definite answer as to why this is all different , and unless I am told otherwise will put it down to -
“driving on the different side of the road - syndrome” :)




Coincidence Twins
---------------------------------

I was having a bit of a chat with Keith at work today at dinner time , and he noticed one of our co workers - Chimpy had a personalised number plate , rather like the one Whatto - another of our colleagues has , but strangely both of them deny buying the plates , and insist that it was a sheer coincidence that they got the plate supplied with their very own initials :)

The number of vehicles on the road in the U.K. is according to my information
Is a staggering 28 million , which seems high to me – but never mind , and each of these vehicles have a unique registration , so the odds of getting one with your precise initials are absolutely astronomical - once , but to happen twice in your workplace well that’s too much :)

Hence this pair have now been christened - The Coincidence Twins - in recognition of them “ beating the odds” , but I reckon their “odds beating” probably would have been better served ……… on a lottery win ……perhaps……or maybe Las Vagas…. …………and then they could go buy a proper personalised plate – like


…………….CH1M9Y …. or maybe even…. WH4TT0 :)


………….as the old saying goes …..” you can’t buy taste “ :)

Hero’s and Villains

I thought I’d leave commenting on this until the furore died down a little.

Yes that’s right - Nick Griffin leader of far right political group The B.N.P , appearing on the B.B.C’s political program - Question Time- last week . .

Ok - on the face of it – the current hero’s are –

The B.B.C. for upholding the right to free speech for all , and of course the 100’s of predominantly - white kids ( as far as I could see ) upholding their right to protest at The B.B.C - if a little too violently for me .

……and the villains are ……….boo ………..his..ssss……..boo…..….

“ Winston Churchill for being a fascist … “gays for being creepy “ , and of course - The Poles who fly Spitfires and pretend to be English :)


I reckon the whole reason , people vote B.N.P and for other far right groups , and yes they apparently did in their droves , is because of a whole scale disillusionment in mainstream politics , and can I say without being branded as a screaming Fascist –
I actually agreed with Nigel’s comments on political correctness .

This is rather like - I suspect a lot of other people - did., but then again the laws of probability says amid the right wing rhetoric there will be at least one tiny grain of sense.

Some people say - all publicity is good publicity - and the attempts of a Member of Parliament to try and stop Nigel Griffin speaking was totally and utterly wrong , but then again Mr Griffin made his very own exception to that rule , in that the majority of his comments on the show were to be frank - right wing extremism - at its worst ,
and hence my “ leopards and spots “ title of last week .


Saying that - and being an advocate of fairness which our B.N.P “friends” certainly are not - but I’ll rise against that - I did detect a marked change from the usual Question Time format of purely discussing political issues - in to an all out assault , bordering on the personal , by everyone , including the shows presenter on Nigel Griffin .

I would also like to point out that - considering the above - Mr Griffin is an adult , and being the head of a party with such radical views , knows he will encounter hostility from the average person in the street or indeed - television studio :)

Looking at this as a whole - the cynical amongst us , could even say the whole episode , right from the start was an orchestration – a luring of a lamb to the slaughter – In effect , hence my “on the face of it “ comment , as regards hero’s and villains at the start of this piece .


Whether - the end justifies the means - I’ll leave to you …………………………..