Errrrr……… …I’ve just decided to upgrade ?? the well worn phrase -

……………..“ watching paint dry” ………………

to -

……………. “ listening to paint dry” …………………

………after discovering the horrors of our all male and over 50 - management teams attempts at trying to write blog’s on our works intranet :)


Talk about being out of touch with reality……. and these are the exciting bits ……
(comments in brackets are mine )


“ For younger members of staff I ought to point out that Showaddywaddy produced some of the most influential and progressive rock music of the 1970s”

( Showaddywaddy are a 1950’s copyist band - believe it or not , and had a fanbase that consisted solely, of screaming - 12 yr old girls !!! )

“ In today’s blog I had planned to give a lesson on the use of the apostrophe, which is horribly abused by staff. Why do so many people think that “its” and “it’s” are interchangeable?”

( I checked some of this guy’s colleagues blog’s , and guess what - inappropriate use of apostrophes are visible…..GASP……, as is bad English , split infinitives , with the odd mixed metaphor thrown in for good measure ……tsk ……tsk…… )

“I have never been on Facebook or any other social networking site. I sort of understand what Twitter is, but can not for the life of me understand its appeal.”

( Well my advice to you is to stay away from such modernistic things – mate , or alternatively you could start your own group up on myspace entitled The Luddites* )

* group of people from the 1800’s , who feared modern technology and smashed it all to pieces .

“ Finally, am I the only person left who still uses a fountain pen ? “

( I use a carefully plucked - goose feather and a pot of ink myself , or if I’m feeling really retro – a hammer , chisel and a slate - a.l.a. The Flintstones )


“Short week this week, but no reduction in the workload so squeezing five days work into four was something to look forward to!”

( WOW !!!!! ……what a hero ……. can I have your autograph ……:) )

"An enjoyable end to a long and exciting week. For the first few weeks the new members of the extended management team are doing duty at various locations to ensure that everything goes smoothly”


……sorry……….. I’ve just f**king killed myself………………..:)

Eastern Box of Delights

I got a card through the door yesterday saying that the post office had tried to deliver a parcel and had left it next door as I wasn’t in , and surely enough my neighbour brought it round for me, shortly after .

I wasn’t expecting anything so it came as a bit of a shock when it was a huge air mail parcel from guess where …………..

………………………..yes that’s right………………………………

……………………..Japan ……………………………………:)

Atsu had sent me a boxful of stuff in thanks for me looking after her during her visit here a few weeks ago , although you can hardly call running around making a nuisance of yourselves – that :)

Anyway - she must have spent a fortune on it all , and will thus be getting a
“ very stern - telling off “ e- mail today :) , as I keep saying to her its no more than the kindness , which she has always shown me when I visited her in Osaka over the past few years, actually no - its more than that as she hadn’t met me before then .

This , of course has got me on the web looking to see what is available for next year as regards to going back to Japan , and guess what I’ve found a dedicated motorcycle hire firm ……………………but the real question is ……………………………..
……………………..dare I ………………………:)




Conservation Corner

I know art is always a very divisive / subjective - subject .

Saying that I see U.K artist , Damien Hirst has literally dropped some paint !!! , on to a Harley and matching accessory – crash helmet , which is all to be auctioned off in aid of charitable causes.

www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/culturenews/51724...

Now from my own , maybe small minded , perspective , his work is certainly innovative , but alas is merely - art for arts sake - saying that ( yet again) , and in Damien’s favour , his latest creation is infinitely more useful than a :-

…………… sheep / shark / squirrel /skull ( ok I made the last two up )

……………………… lovingly pickled in formaldehyde…………. isn’t it :)
…………….although - I’m not sure if the finished work may be cast in to a tank of chemicals ………….. knowing Mr Hirst :)

The 40yr Old " Virgin "

A friend of mine recently announced out of the blue , that after a lightening romance of a month !!! , she was getting married and was bringing her new “husband to be” around to the house ……… on a lead maybe …………sorry…….sorry :)

I’ve got to explain that she has been a born again Christian for about a year , and has decided – “no sex before marriage” , which is great and fine for someone who is perhaps a teenager , but the problem with this in my mind , is what about the 20 or so - years before that !!!!...................... and that’s all I’m saying as I don’t want to offend my religious friends ………… too much…………..
………………….just think …… miracle healing and the title :).

Rudeness apart - that particular evening , I was looking out of the window when the happy couple to be - arrived , and I realised her fiancée was a guy called Dave , who I vaguely knew from years ago , and an incident involving him and another of my friends , sprung to mind ……………………

Now - this other friend of mine is called Spike and just happens to belong to a certain motorcycle club , and a while ago he found out that Dave had been seeing his wife , so - rightly or wrongly and one good kicking later , Dave was warned off……………

So of course me being in a mischievous mood - I opened the front door and shouted back in to an empty house……………………….

……………….” SPIKE …..YOUR FRIEND DAVE’S HERE “ ……………….

Dave’s face dropped when he saw me open the door , let alone the look of abject horror when I shouted the above , as he then dived back in to the car leaving his bride to be standing at the aisle ………sorry …………sorry …………drive way :).

“……..show ‘em a little freedom and they’re scared witless” ………………..

This morning - a sea of pinky / red lobster faces , which heralded the return back to work after the warm and sunny bank holiday in the U.K. , and in my case - the poor car was then forgotten , and collecting cobwebs, in favour of the racy red and black mistress that is the Harley Roadking ………………………………:)


The roads out in the dales and over the moors in my part of the world , tend to be relatively un crowded even on holiday weekends , hence I can ride around minus my helmet …. tsk…. tsk :) .

You should have seen the black looks I got off the “deadly serious and professional looking” people on bicycles , who - no doubt use them for an hour on a sunny Sunday afternoon and opposed to the 365 days a year like myself ………..

…………….with ……………………………

……………….GASP…………..NO HELMET ………………..!!!.................

When I stopped , I was half expecting a gang of these outraged citizens to come over and give me a lecture about the bad example I was setting to their children , but the fact their children were sat on a £49.99 Halfords mountain bikes and not a 1550cc Harley , must have slipped their tiny - helmeted heads .

I therefore purposely slipped in to my “menacing persona” which may have put them off :) , as a few choice glances in their general direction had them return back to maybe considering a less contentious target , like little Johnny who dared to ride through a puddle without the appropriate safety equipment :)

Y ‘know - they wonder why some ( not all ) younger people behave the way that they do today .

Either - mollycoddled thirty something’s still living at home, or the animals you see running around on the streets , two extreme examples I admit , and yes I do realise and the majority of kids are great , but I personally blame society and the parents themselves for this , and its certainly not by following any example I set , because my two aims in life are truth and justice - albeit in an highly - unconventional manner :)

I suppose you could say my stuff on here sets a bad example to an extent , but in writing this I’m merely reporting the facts , which I try to neither condone or condemn , and I certainly do not force anyone to follow my own lifestyle , that as they say is rather like life - a personal choice :)

10...9...8...8...8...8...8...8...

Now - wasn’t I was all excited , a few weeks ago, about the “sinister - red led countdown on the chrome plated , blood spattered cylinder “ , which heralded - in my mind , the release of the new Terminator movie on June 3rd .


Well - unfortunately that’s all changed to a plastic wood effect , 1980’s style clock radio , with missing led’s , and guess what - I’ve just hit the flippin’ snooze button !!!

…………which is rather like finding the “off ” switch on an early model mk 1
Terminator - made from straw and wood :)


Seriously - the problem being , I’ve read several ( well 20 or 30 in realty) reviews of it , going from the general public to professional reviewers , and in a word it ………SUX………..!!!

This in my mind - looks like an inability / unwillingness for financial reasons ( box office / dvd sales ) , to produce what I’d call adult science fiction , and I certainly don’t mean sex and violence here , merely a half decent plot line, or even the odd thought provoking moment , or is that too much to ask.

The actual rating of 12 should have set the alarm bells ringing in my mind , as movies for 12 year olds are exactly that ………. for 12 yr olds ……. and no offence to the intelligent 12 yr olds out there - as this hardly challenge an adults’ intellect , especially the way - proper science fiction - is supposed to.

So I think I’ll just take my brain out , excuse the gaping holes in the plot and still go and watch the orgy of violence and destruction – just for a laugh …………………




Here’s something for you –

In what old sci fi movie does Arnie say …….“ I’ll be back” …….twice …..???




N.W.O
----------------------

I just wonder if Dick Cheney actually realised that his anti Obama and Pro Bush Administration - preach to the converted - yesterday , epitomised why he and his cronies were unequivocally thrown out of power in the first place………………..
…………………….obviously not :)

Welcome to the new world order , but not as you know it - Dick …………………

Donald Ducked :)

A floating island for ducks !!!......................and i’ll say it again because I don’t believe it …. …………

…….A FLOATING …F**KING …ISLAND FOR DUCKS …!!!......


I can just imagine the excuse that the thieving piece of scum ……………

sorry…… ….sorry …………

……honourable ( sic ) member of parliament , gave for that expenses claim ………




“ It’s the U.K’s own version of Guantanamo Bay , to keep the terrorists locked up in, when Camp X Ray is closed.

We can turn it in to a tourist attraction by having the inmates wearing duck suits, and then for an extra fee , with a souvenir copy of the official secrets act and honourary membership of MI5 included , the tourists can ……….torture the inmates…………

So for an outlay of a mere - £1,645 of taxpayers money , we can save the time and effort of secret service officers , and additionally support the local infrastructure and the tourist industry of this country with the creation of this attraction.

Thus I deserve The Queen’s Award for Industry , and not a term of imprisonment on Duck Island with the torture option included ………………… ”



Hmmmmm ……………..

Maybe I should apply for the position of a governmental spin doctor , as its no worse than some of the clap trap M.P.’s have been coming out with :)

Musak

I was at a friends house last Saturday night , and I shouldn’t say this as it will dent my street cred ……………..dare I say this…………………

…………………attending a dinner party !!! :) ……………………….

…………..and I think I’d better let you all recover for a while , after that sweeping statement ………………………………

Ok …….onwards …….if your all ok :)

After we had eaten , with me actually using the correct knife and fork :) , for some reason they decided to switch on …….

…………………………………HORROR OF HORRORS …….

………………………The Eurovision Song Contest …………!!!……..

Now for those who don’t know what this is - In a nutshell it’s a load of national stereotypes, miming to stereotypical songs, and then tactically voting for each other( or not - as the case may be ) for the outcome.

The highlight of which , was our entry getting hit by a violin bow , but then - nose dived as she leaned on the piano gazing in to Andrew Lloyd Webbber’s piggy eyes …
……….OH…. YUK …YUK …YUK ….:)


Hmmmmm ……..now I’ll have to start thinking of ways to regain my street cred - dinner parties and Eurovision !!! ……what ever next …….selling one of my Harleys and buying a car ……………wooooops ……I’ve already done that ……….havn’t I :)

Oh well - street cred in to the minus - yet again …………..:)

No Coloureds , Dogs or Irish

I saw a program on T.V. on Sunday night about the U.K. in the 1960’s , and believe it or not , the above sign was a common sight on - pubs , guesthouses and various other establishments in the U.K., up until probably the mid 1970’s - according to my information , and this sharply contrasts with the comments that my Japanese friend Atsu made about all the different cultures we now have in this country today.

The majority of Japan today , has a population of mainly indigenous people , and up until the mid 1950’s , the U.K. also had a population of nearly all whites , which changed after the mass immigrations from - The West Indies , India , Pakistan , and thus the No Coloureds…….. sign was an unfortunate legacy of that time, although I’m not sure about the dogs and Irish part , unless you know otherwise……….. :)

Hmmmm ………..I think we have come a long way in such a short space of time.

Now - after seeing certain political campaigns in the media - BNP and UKIP , I’m just wondering if our “friends” in right wing , racist organisations , will try and undermine this on going situation , by capitalising on the current public disillusionment in mainstream politicians, because of the recent sleaze , in the upcoming elections , as you can bet the modern day storm troopers will be queued up round the block when the polling station doors open.

I personally haven’t voted for years , but with this in mind I’m thinking twice about tearing up my ballot papers simply because of this , regardless of what I was saying the other day ……..hypocrisy rules …..or should that be …..

……………it’s a (wo)man’s right to change (her) his mind :)

Hobson’s Choice - I know , but you can call me , and to coin one of our colonial cousins more colourful phrases “ a bleeding heart Liberal “ , but I’d rather have a bunch of mildly corrupt - moderates, which you can force to change through parliamentary reform , rather than a gang of ranting , maniacs in charge.

Jump9ing over the Lazy Dog

The arrival of Swallows in the U.K , always in my mind - herald the salubrious slide in to summer , and their gathering and sudden departure , the onset of the oncoming chill …………………….

Poetic licence apart - up until last week I had never actually seen a Swallow at rest.

………..Only ever - wheeling magnificently across , painted skies, their calling as a welcome to a kaleidoscope of summers gone ……………….

Wooop’s - digressed yet again :)

Anyway - today one was sat on the top of a door and did it look strange – very tall , and elongated with no neck , and due to its colouration , it actually looked like a cloaked - vampire…………………ready to strike :)

This was the only sign of wildlife this morning , and there were no - pheasants , deer or even rabbits , which is strange, considering I was the only human around at that time.

I was just wondering if the Countryside Rangers with the rifles that were chasing the injured deer , were around again , when I rounded the corner to the wood and saw the reason for the quietness - a red / brown shape glide rapidly through the air and disappear down the hill in a flurry of red tail…………..yes it was one of natures own hunters……a fox :)

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again , in all the years I’ve been riding this way in to work I’ve never seen a fox , but since the barbaric practice of foxhunting was banned I’ve seen three , and these are a wonderful addition to our countryside- again .

Yes - I agree at times their numbers do need controlling , and that’s where the guys with the guns come in , and not the sicko’s who gain gratification from chasing an animal in to the ground , then watch while it is ripped apart by a pack of baying hounds , and ….
…………………..oh it gets even “ better” …………………

…………..covering their children in the fox’s blood ….yes really !!!



Oscar Wilde got it right all those years ago ……………………..

……………“ The unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable “…………………..

Spooky Lens

One of our guys at work Jeff , used to take photographs and still has a Canon Sureshot film camera circa 1983 , and just to set the scene – “surprisingly” right next to it on the shelf , sits an original tape Walkman !!!

Does he live in a museum ??? I hear you thinking ………

…………………..a timewarp more like :)

Anyway after seeing some of my other photo’s Jeff reckoned I was apparently cheating , using for example Photoshop to make them black and white !!! ,
and now of course I just wondering if he has a gramophone and waxed cylinders to go alongside his Sureshot and Walkman :)

So later when I was showing Don his atmospheric i.e. Photo shopped , Whitby Abbey photo’s, I said to Jeff they were shot using a “ special spooky lens “ , which he believed right up until the point we burst out laughing :)

Later on - Don said my photo’s were surprisingly , better than the £15 he paid for one recently , so I cheekily said –

“…………..ok that’s £45.00 – please “ :)

and of course his answer was a.l.a the Tesla tickets -

“ I’ll give you a £1.00 a week “ :)

thus my totally , predictable reply was -

“ok ….I’ll cut them in to 45 pieces and you can have one piece per week “ :)


………………….etc ..etc..etc :)

........of pearl's and swine .................

It seems our politicians here in the U.K. , with a few notable exceptions , have apparently contracted swine flu :) , as they have being caught - red handed or should that be red trottered :) , with their little piggy snouts in the trough of public money……. ……………tsk ……….tsk ……….tsk ……….

Several apologies later , from the leaders of all parties with promises to stop scurrilous claims , get M.P’s to pay back questionable ones , and even look back in to the claims from four years previously - unfortunately - ring very hollow with me .

This scepticism stems from The Speaker of the House of Commons - who I suppose is in essence a spokesman for Parliament , original deflecting this highly serious matter by insisting the police be called in to prosecute - not the thieving politicians , but astonishingly the person who leaked the information to the press !!! - at the tax payers expense – of course :) , he then decided to shout down one of the aforementioned pearls - M.P. Kate Hoey for daring to disagree with his
wisdom ( sic) ……. ……


Well doesn’t this all just smack of ingrained - arrogance , untouchability and of course being caught with your trotter in the till , and if it wasn’t for the leaked information , it would still be all - merrily going on - as it has for years !!!

I’m glad in a way all the political parties are involved in this scandal as no one can take the “moral “ high ground on this issue , although the pathetic “one up man ship” in promising to do something about it , seems to be in full political flight at the moment !!!

The knee jerk reaction of The Speaker, who was himself heavily criticised last year for misappropriating, taxpayers money on various items not connected with public service , and has apparently claimed £1.7 million in expenses over the years, is another thing though , as this underlying attitude will not be shifted by dynamite
( Guy Fawkes – anybody :) ) , let alone promises of reform or votes of no confidence .

Can I quote a movie tag line for when the next election in the U.K. comes around……

“ vote for none of the above ”

or more likely , the case being …………………….

“the ruin of man……….. is he forgets………………….”


Hmmm………what ever next , The BNP saying they are not racist – surely not :)

Drop The Sneck

This is a good old northern English saying which simply means to - lock the door.

With this in mind - Ten Bob Shrinker , one of our “highly professional “managers has taken to walking round the outside of the building in all weathers to avoid a members of staff he doesn’t see eye to eye with ……….. so that’d be everyone in the place :)


So one of our guys saw him go out the top door and then “dropped the sneck” on him knowing he was coming straight back :)

Sure enough a few minutes later there was a muffled scream and a noise which sounded like the door was literally being kicked off the hinges , yes Shrinker had bounced off the door and what’s more he now had to walk through the building .

We weren’t laughing …………..honest :)




Oink Oink :)
------------------------------

I’ve just discovered a new pseudo science here , and I think I’ll “imaginatively” entitle it ……………….. Your Personality from a Food List ………………

I think I’d better explain, hadn’t I ……………………..

Evil Don was wandering around at work today with the legendary sandwich list, and I noticed there was one entry on his list which read……………..

……………………………. “ small sausage “…..

Now - smutty humour apart , believe me , this definitely summed the guy up who ordered it , and I’m certainly not getting in to character assassination on here , so I’ll let you draw your own conclusions , but believe me it did fit perfectly.

Just think …..Ebeneezer Scrooge…… wooops …… did I just think that or write it :)

What I will say , is that the rest of the items on the list , including mine - were all large sausage and bacon with butter and extra sauce , so I’ll let you work out those particular personalities yourself :)

…………………Fat Pigs – maybe :)

Even More

Following on from yesterday –

I was idly looking through all the other petitions that have been placed on the No 10 website , and the most satirical and amusing section are of course - the rejected ones.

N.B.. The comments in brackets after the titles are mine.

For Example -

Freeze M.P’S pay this year ( ooooh…… touchy subject …REJECT …REJECT …..)

Ignore all petitions calling for the re- introduction of capital punishment.
( ok ………. “let him have it”………… )

Outlaw Communism in the U.K. , ( errrr….. would this be Socialism – maybe )

Abolish torture. ( I never realise it was legal in the first place, other than between
consenting adults of course :) )


Create a national swearing day. ( so that would be every day that ends with a
f**king Y )


Send the Prime Minister in to space. ( saying nothing here :) … ….. )


Create jobs and Listen to the electorate. ( NO CHANCE !!…REJECT…REJECT…. )


Scrap , waste of time e- petitions. ( ah irony ! – don’t you just love it – or not :) )


The websites’ home page has also got a tab entitled – “meet the Prime Minister “ and of course I mistakenly thought you could make an appointment to give him a piece of your mind - in person .

So you can imagine my vast disappointment when it turned out just to be a dull biography , and not a waiting list of several million outraged taxpayers., complaining about the lack of a national f***king swearing day :)


………………………..What a let down :)

A Blind Mand and His Dog

I’m a great believer in liberty and freedom , old fashioned ideals - maybe , but bear with me………….

Without any hint of irony, I believe the greatest threat to the above in modern times has now begun in the U.K., with the voluntary introduction of identity cards in the City of Manchester .

Now - the more worrying aspect of this action is the firm Governmental plans to make it compulsory on a U.K. wide basis , for every citizen over 16 in the near future, and this is to allegedly combat - terrorism , fraud and illegal immigration amongst other things.

Ironically, and In a time of deep global recession, there is supposedly an unlimited tax payer , funded budget to cost, develop and implement this system , and to add insult to injury we will all then be charged an estimated £93.00 for the “privilege” of owning this then - compulsory card.


I’m neither a terrorist , criminal nor illegal immigrant – surprisingly :), and yes I’d class myself as a law abiding citizen :) , but this has really gone too far and reads like the plot of a sci’ fi’ movie , with the introduction of what is essentially - lifelong surveillance by the authorities in the U.K., simply because the self same authorities who are tasked to protect us can not do their job properly due to sheer incompetence.

Looking at it from a wider - world perspective , if this system works here there is a very strong probability it maybe introduced by your own government in the near future , as things have a nasty habit of being standardised now a days , thus we could all be condemning ourselves and all our following generations to potentially suffer , because of this .

Now for those who have not switched off after the first sentence, I wont risk boring you by going too far in to the other far reaching implications , like the collection of private and personal data , so here’s a website for those who are interested -

http://www.no2id.net/


The bottom line is -

Could I please ask all of you to spare a few minutes of your valuable time and go this website and sign this petition – please, and you can forget the U.K.citizen - niceties too :)

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/

Type in ………… notoid

Click on ………. Petition to Scrap ID Cards .

Fill in your details………

Thanks :)

Nine is Eight

I was on my way to work today after nearly a whole week off , so you can imagine my total and utter surprise when I rounded a corner to see two pick up trucks parked on the cycle way with two guys stood next to them wearing full camouflage gear , and get this ………………carrying hunting rifles with telescopic sights !!!

Ah ….all my days of anti government rhetoric are over in the crack of a rifle shot –
I hear you all thinking , but apparently not , as I’m still here writing this , so don’t all get too disappointed :)

Unfortunately , the sad reality is - one of the deer who I see most mornings on my trip to work , had apparently hurt its leg so badly after being chased by illegal hunters with dogs , it had to be put to sleep by the Countryside Rangers , hence the rifle’s .

Saying that , don’t despair too much as there is actually two pieces of good news to end this story , in that they know exactly who the hunters were that caused the injury and they will be prosecuted :) , although I get the impression off The Rangers they wouldn’t have been too bothered if their rifles had gone off in the general direction of the hunters.

Last but not least - The Rangers , after stalking the injured deer had then discovered that one of the other female deer is indeed ………….. ……………pregnant …….:)


Hope springs and hope springs eternal :)